Unique Visits
Kitten Trafficking: An Exposé
Genetically modified kittens are smuggled across the state border from New Jersey, the notorious home of legal gambling and bad driving. The lawlessness of New Jersey has allowed kitten cartels to grow exponentially, with some officials worrying about the escalating violence between rival operations; skirmishes in border towns have already left dozens dead.
One would think that Bronxville, a safe community, is isolated from this problem. It came as a great surprise, therefore, to Bronxville Police Chief Satriale when, while attending a neighbor’s cocktail party, he noted that the host’s year-and-a-half old cat resembled a nearly newborn kitten. When he asked about it, they explained, “We got Princess[, our kitten,] from a nice man selling them underneath the train tracks. He said that she would stay a kitten forever, and so far it’s worked perfectly. It’s not a hoax; he had a document verifying that it had been tested extensively at Columbia University. My daughter just absolutely adores her!” Evidence of the underground kitten trade is present even in our school, with several students proudly identifying themselves as "kitten fanatics." Chase Tarantino, a senior at Bronxville High School, is a self professed "kitten addict." When asked about his addiction, Tarantino responded, "I love kittens, especially the adorable ones. Mostly, I accessorize with them: I have one for each day of the week, and a few that I dedicate solely to representing my mood." One must note, though, that as these kittens are constantly adorable, Mr. Tarantino himself would be feeling adorable all of the time. This is simply not possible.
After doing some online research and placing a few calls, Chief Satriale released that the business "had to be an illegal operation," something "which was very exciting" for him and his fellow police officers. Never before had Chief Satriale come up against such a formidable criminal enterprise in our little town.
Last Thursday evening, Chief Satriale approached the dealer under the tracks in plainclothes, explaining that he hoped to buy his daughter a birthday present. But once the dealer brought out the kitten and explained its ‘special properties’, Satriale promptly pulled out his badge and took the man into custody. The name of this dealer has been kept classified in order to protect his family, which includes children currently attending Bronxville School, but basic details of the kitten trafficking were released earlier this week in a police report: kittens were treated in a New Jersey lab, after which they were taken across the Hudson River to New York (an area which has seen a rapidly growing market for permanent kittens) in boats with double bottoms where they were hidden. From there, dealers bought crates of the kittens and brought them to discreet selling locations, where they were sold for at least $650 each, payable only in cash.
“This has been both a shame and a glory for Bronxville,” said Chief Satriale. For even though this illegal trade occurred right under our noses for so long, it was Bronxville’s own Police Chief who busted the whole operation. But was it worth it? Is there really that great a threat from adorable kittens that never stop being adorable (or kittens)? Unfortunately, it looks like we may never know.
