Bronxville Student Invades Generic South American Country with Robots

by Tim Delaney

It was an ordinary day in a small town in Brageniguay, a generic South American country located somewhere between the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans, with villagers feasting and frolicking in the typical manner of peasants who are about to face extremely violent problems. Unsurprisingly, robots arrived on this scene of joy and proceeded to become an extremely violent problem, exterminating any resistance as they marched, slowly but surely, toward the nation’s capital. The sound of laser beams tearing through the muggy Brageniguaian air mixed with the crackle of burning buildings and the whining of the cameraman, who just doesn’t like Brageniguay and kind of wished that the robots had decided to invade somewhere else. The robots disposed of most government officials before the sun had set, making this robot invasion one of the fastest on record. When President Juan Jimenez was asked to comment on the robot army, he shouted something in Portuguese, but no one on the news team actually speaks Portuguese so we don’t know what he said. The cameraman guessed that it was, “Ow, robots are shooting me with lasers, ow, oh no, lasers, I am dead,” but the cameraman is a really obnoxious person and no one cares what he thinks.

The ruthless efficiency of these metallic soldiers was highly praised by observers who weren’t being shot at, much to the delight of the robots’ creator and master, William Gunn. Currently a junior at Bronxville High School, William Gunn decided one weekend that he would like to try his hand at supervillainy after a very bizarre accident left him with a really awesome scar that makes him look sort of evil, but in a really cool way. You know that guy in Casino Royale who wept blood? He’s sort of like that guy, only his name is way cooler. Anyway, this William Gunn character is good with computers, so it only took him about five days to figure out how to build a robot army that could overthrow Brageniguay. Fast forward a couple months via generic montage set to even more generic 80s music, and William Gunn stands triumphant over the burning rubble of the Brageniguaian capital. Gunn has named himself Supreme Executive Dictator of the country and, as his first official decree, changed the name to “Gunnbadplaceland” because the old name was too big, awkward, and stupid (like the cameraman).

Despite the lack of imagination Gunn has thus far displayed (the name isn’t exactly smaller, less awkward, or less stupid than the old one), officials in the region still fear his large army of killer robots. Without the necessary resources to tackle this problem on their own, the countries have begun to seek foreign aid in deposing William Gunn from the seat of power in Gunnbadplaceland. The British government stated their strong support for measures against William Gunn’s iron rule, and spokeswoman known only as “M” stated that help was already on the way. Bronxville Senior Michael Bond was unavailable for comment at this time.

Thus far, however, the best efforts of foreign nations to defeat William Gunn have all met with defeat. Granted, the only event that could conceivably be classified as “foreign military action” was when a Canadian mountie on vacation took a wrong turn and ended up at the border. Instead of vaporizing the human, the robots merely gave him directions, cleverly avoiding confrontation with the Canadian government. In the event that William Gunn remains in power long enough for him to construct a super death ray that could threaten world peace, Will Smith has offered his services to the world. In a press release earlier this week the actor stated, “I fought robots in I, Robot, and that was in the future. Is there anyone who thinks I can’t handle robots from the present? Yeah, no one messes with Will Smith.” The cameraman snickered at the use of the third person, so Will Smith blew him up with mind bullets. At least, I wanted him to. Anyway, until such a time as Mr. Smith feels it is necessary for him to step in to save the day, the world will merely watch and wait as William Gunn turns Gunnbadplaceland into a utopia… of evil.