Nicholas Cage: The Greatest Actor Ever?

by Tim Delaney and Richard Bastuck

Time for a little trivia. Answer the following questions right and receive the prize of self-validation: Which Academy Award winner killed a bear in a fist fight, was the first man on Mars, and holds a government-certified license to dance? Who secretly stole 50 nukes from both the U.S. and USSR to fuel the engines on his floating continent just off the coast of Greenland? Who is the best actor in the world? If you answered “Nicholas Cage” to all of the above, congratulations, you’re either lying or you cheated by looking at the title of this article. This article is a public service announcement intended to clear up some of the myths about this legendary actor and make sure everyone knows exactly why his on-screen performance is so much better than any other actor in the history of film. You like Humphrey Bogart? Nicholas Cage would karate chop him in the face and Bogart would go down like a punk. Fan of Morgan Freeman? Cage would kill him and then absorb the powers of his perfect narrator voice. Christian Bale? Edward Norton? They tried to fight Nicholas Cage once, and the resulting slaughter was the inspiration for Grindhouse. Nicholas Cage is a Liam-Neeson-approved film god who reigns with an iron fist, demanding sacrifice from his legion of loyal film buffs, who burn copies of his greatest works, hoping to appease their dark master.

Some say that Nicholas Cage was born a god. Others insist that he absorbed his powers by killing the guy from Highlander when he was 3 years old. Still others believe he gained his supernatural acting ability by punching Harry Potter in the face so many times that magic seeped into his mighty fist of pure manliness. Questions still linger surrounding the man, and many of his fans wonder what secrets pass behind his darkly handsome brow. It is even rumored that tattooed at the base of his spine is the meaning of life, but those who look directly upon him burst into flame, so no one has yet managed to verify this rumor. What has been verified is that his acting talent far surpasses that of any other actor alive today, and each film in which he appears instantly becomes a golden example of the very pinnacle of filmmaking. Here are a few examples of his incontrovertibly awesome films:

Vampire’s Kiss (1988): Hailed by some as the greatest movie of all time, this film showed a starkly human tale of man who thinks that maybe he’s becoming a vampire because he saw a bat in his apartment. He ends up going totally going insane, stalking one of his fellow workers, talking to a wall, and eventually dying with a wooden plank through his chest. Nicholas Cage excellently portrays the insanity inherent in this woeful tale of a completely freaking insane literary agent, even going so far as to eat a live cockroach to provide the film with realism. Seriously. He eats a cockroach in the movie. Viewers thought it was fake, but the cockroach that he eats, it’s real. Clearly, this man is a professional. The trailer might make it look like a comedy, but really this film is a poignant portrait of the working man and his struggle with everyday life.

The Wicker Man (2006): Hailed by some as the greatest movie of all time, this movie embodies the shining beacon of excellence that is Nicholas Cage. A sampling of scenes from this masterpiece can be viewed here, but if you have any love of art and beauty, you’ll rent this intensely mind-blowing movie.

Ghost Rider, Next, and Bangkok Dangerous (2007-2008): Hailed by some as the three greatest movies of all time, this insanely complex trilogy is one of the most massive projects Hollywood has ever undertaken. The first movie follows the main character, coincidentally also named Nicholas Cage, as he rides a bike made of fire and kills demons with his magical Nicholas Cage god laser. By killing the devil in the climax of the film, Nicholas Cage gained the power to see into the future, which allow him to totally bamf in Next. Using the skills he learned as both Ghost Rider and that dude in Next, Nicholas Cage then becomes a paid assassin in Bangkok, the counterintuitive location of the third film, Bangkok Dangerous. As filled as this series is with twists, turns, barely understandable dialog, horribly obvious plot devices, and wonderful acting, the most incredible fact about it is that the whole thing is a true story. The movies chronicle Nicholas Cage’s fight to become the most well respected film actor in the entire world, which he won clearly when he beat his sensei, Jack Nicholson, in mortal combat.

The evidence is clear. Nicholas Cage is the best actor ever. Traditionally, the conclusion paragraph to an article should be more than three sentences, but it is impossible for anyone to not be 100% convinced of Nicholas Cage’s godhood by this point, so this conclusion is pretty pointless.