Billy Bitter Comes to Bronxville

by Dayton Flannery

As described in ancient mythology, a demigod is half man and half god. Most people would believe this to be impossible; until a few days ago I was led to believe the same. But I was wrong, demigods do exist. I know this because just the other day one of these mythical creatures visited Bronxville. His name is Billy Bitter.

I’m not a lacrosse player, but everybody knows Billy Bitter. Bitter is a sophomore at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill where he was recruited to play lacrosse for one of the top teams in the nation. As a freshman, he was UNC’s fourth leading scorer and this year he was considered one of the top attackmen in the NCAA. According to Native American legend, he descended from the heavens holding what appeared to be a magical scepter, but what is now more commonly called a “lacrosse stick.” He taught the Native Americans how to play lacrosse and ascended back to his lofty home. It wasn’t until 1988 that Billy Bitter descended upon us once more. Ever since then, he has simply toyed with human lacrosse players. Fortunately for us, it was arranged for him to visit Bronxville and attend one of the fourth grade lacrosse team’s practices. The practice was by no means closed; so many Bronxville students flocked to the turf to set eyes on lacrosse royalty. After the practice kids on the team and fans were allowed to ask Bitter for his autograph. Some kids also requested that he signed lacrosse pads, sticks, gloves, and even body parts.

One individual though chose not to get an autograph. When asked why he chose not to receive the Hancock of this immaculate being, Peter Donohue replied, “Being in his presence is enough.” Donohue pretty much summed up the effect Bitter has had on Bronxville. I have heard countless eighth grade boys go on rants about Bitter’s skills on the field. He must really be great to get recognition from all of these people. I’ve heard about the 21 goals he had in his freshman year and how he played in every single game of the season. I’ve been told that he swims through opponents like a fish in water and that his selflessness earned him 15 assists for the 2008 season. But above all things, Bitter’s “flow” seems to be his most notable feature. The brown lochs that sit atop his head make guys jealous and drive the ladies nuts. His hair looks too perfect to be real, there has to be magic behind it.

Billy Bitter’s visit to Bronxville was historical. Several of us had the pleasure of meeting him and even taking pictures. If you were a fourth grade lacrosse player you even got to play with him. Overall, we were very lucky to be graced with the presence of this god-like laxer.