Rabbit Narcotics Cell Threatens Bronxville

by Erin Delaney

Bronxville: small, comfortable hamlet for peaceful soul, or stronghold for one of the most lethal and well-hidden terror cells currently in existence, masked by their doleful eyes and innocent love of carrots? Bear with me, readers, as we delve into the uncharted depths of the underground global bunny cartels. Ruling with an iron fist, these power hungry tyrants stop at nothing, setting no limitation on garden casualties as they seek to build an empire, refusing to take into account the post-apocalyptic world their plunders are sure to bring about.

They are lead by mastermind Don Juan, known internationally as “The Easter Bunny,” who has duped our sad little federal government for ages (although Juan originally intended his title to sound menacing, he eventually came around to the perks of breaking-and-entering civilian homes at will without the added nuisance of pressed charges). Perhaps the most nefarious of the cartel’s regional ringleaders, he runs a multi-billion-dollar narcotics operation that every year preys off the susceptibility of children to candy. Even more sadistic, they have led us into believing that painting eggs with various colors has something to do with Jesus.

Don’t be fooled by these bunnies as they hop around your yard all innocent and cute-like. This is just a front.

Juan has recently set up shop in town, hoping to expand his constantly growing empire into Westchester County—some of you may know this terror base as “Swoozie’s.” It is here the mafia-thugs-in-training watch instructional videos—their curriculum mainly centers on Monty Python’s legendary (if not adorable) killer. Keeping this in mind, the bunnies have elected to call their gang the “Big Fang Gang,” complete with accents and hand motions directly from the movie. While the gang may appear innocent enough, President Barrack Obama has recently issued a warrant for Don Juan’s immediate arrest, on the grounds of the risk of breeding a new kind of killer…the very, very cuddly kind.

Though our infamous Don has been mysteriously missing since the arrest warrant was issued, earlier this week (in a covert infiltration of the crime ring) the Echo was able to obtain several statements from Juan. When criticized for his inhumane and sacrilegious methods, Juan responded “I don’t have to be humane…I’m a bunny.” Our link in the ring later went missing, but we await news as to his whereabouts. However, with the new intelligence we secured from our mole previous to his untimely disappearance, Bronxville’s police force is confident that with international aid, they will be able to bring down the empire by first locating Don Juan and later his sons Raoul and Jorge. In order to bring down his drug empire, the S.W.A.T. team on-call must first secure Swoozie’s—so I’d get your shopping done now if I were you. Don Juan may have indeed seen his last sunrise as a drug lord, eco-terrorist (defecation on public property), and infamous leader of the most dangerous small-mammal crime ring the western hemisphere has ever seen.